Trance

Been some time since I’ve posted. Things haven’t changed much since my last post. But certainly, some way or the other; I’ve become accustomed to the busy life of my friends.

It can be pretty hard on you when you’re having nothing do and when you’re friends are busy out there working full time jobs. Contacts can be put on hold and the frequency of contacts between friends will reduce. It took me some time to realize it, but I’ve accepted it and I choose to move on. It’s not about being happy or sad, it’s about understanding the facts in life. Nothing can change that.

I’m almost in a trance state. Another season of exams are fast approaching and as usual I’m ill-prepared to face them. Actually, I have only one exam in April and the rest are scheduled on mid May and June.

That means I’ll getting busy myself and things will be a bit easier on me,’cos believe me when I say this; I can take busy any time, but I just can’t deal with boredom!

This is yet another chance at redemption,trying to better somethings I could’ve done better in life. I wish I clear off a load from my shoulders this time around. That would be such a huge relief. Well, you never know what to expect.

Anyways, I’m going in with a neutral mindset towards everything. Anger,emotions,pain,happiness-nothing. Plain and simple on the periphery without much turbulence in the depths. I’m not happy nor sad,but I think I have managed to move on. Well, let’s see where I’ll be at one year from now. Hoping it’ll be for the best. God Bless us all..

College Life: The End

This would probably be my last post whilst I’m in college. So, here I am bidding adieu to my good old college!

4 Years it’s been!! Can you believe it?! 4 years have gone by so fast that I am needing a moment right now to catch my breath! Lot has happened over the past 4 years, I know. This place here, my blog, has been my constant emotional-dumping ground for the past 5 years now, I think. More than anybody, this blog has seen me hating my college, wanting to quit, breathing whilst drowning in problems, and finally enjoying the last few days of my college life. This blog has seen me realizing how petty my life issues were before I joined college and realizing how silly I was in making mistakes and choosing friends,before joining college. College has taught me a lot. It seems making friends was the best thing about college to me. Being the emotional person I am, I am right now overwhelmingly exhausted with an array of emotions. The final phase has given me a whole lot of great memories to cherish. Thanking god for that pleasant bit of an ending!

I always had my best friends beside me always. From my childhood to teens and into my youth. My best friends are still with me and will be there with me forever. College gave not only gave me friends but a best friend whom I could depend on my life with. College gave me my cutest and dearest best friend! Of all the things I’m grateful to my college, this would count to be best one among the lot! In troubled times, her friendship was the lonely solace I found in college. Moments that we shared together are becoming memories now. Memories that are beginning to haunt me. I really wish things could pause for a moment right now.You know, this moment,  this time, our present is never gonna be there again. All my friends have left our college and only a few like me are there(finishing off exams of course). This is the moment that really is gonna be a turning point in our lives. I mean, we might not see each other for years, who knows ! 😦  Life might take us miles apart, but our hearts remain tied with the bond of friendship ( My fav quote ! ).

We’re not gonna see each other as often as we used to in our class. That’s a hard truth we’re gonna have to deal with in the coming days of our life. I’m still hanging on to the good memories of college not wanting to move on. But someday, I have got to move on, I know. All I want now is that all my friends, my best friends, my best friend to be with me in life till my last breath. Friends are the best thing that has happened to me in my life. They are the best thing I have earned on my own. A few good friends of mine till the very end. I’m not wishing for anything lavish,ain’t I ?

I know, all of this is a bit cheesy. But admit it. The best moments in life are always a bit cheesy! Whether you like it or not. Deep down inside of every person there’s always a bleeding heart that wants to keep the dearest things close and the dearest persons closer.

Our college life might have come to an end. But this sure is a beginning of things. Hoping that all good things remain good and all great things grow even greater! Hoping that our love will always stay strong between us and our friendships will last forever… Hoping and praying as always… Let the best things happen to us. Farewell guys….. I owe my life to you.. .

The Hard Truth: A Realization

This week,our college was shut down owing to the strike’s going on in Tamil Nadu state. So that gave us a week to sit idle at home.Well as it seems now,free time can give you a lot to think about..

All along the past four years, I’ve only had bitter experience with my college life. The whole scenario changed in the past few months. I’m actually starting to like my college and when that’s happening,it seems my days have been numbered at my college! 😦

For most of the my tenure at NIT(Erstwhile JIT,my college), I’ve always had one thing or another to complain about. But as I have just said,the past few months or rather the past year has brought a lot of changes in me and my perception about my college.

I know that I’m gonna miss my college days(if not my college!). My friends,the best time’s I’ve had there and of course the worst times. For I now realize that I will never ever be having a second chance at doing these things over again. It’s a one-off shot and I think I tried my best. I may or may not regret in the future about the things I could’ve done in my youth,but for the time being; i know I’ll miss those days..

Even though, I’ve had so many bitter experiences to start with; I think, I’m a better person at handling and understanding people than I was 4 years ago,when I joined my college. I now know the difference between hay and seed. Friendships, both good and bad,had been the mainstay of my college life. And thankfully, its the good that will always be with me throughout my life.

As I’ve said in the beginning, this whole week is off for me and that really made me think about my future. The impending reality. The harsher side of things. All I have done this time is simply sit at home and lavishly spend my time. Just wasting my time. It’s not the same feeling I had when I had a long vacation after my school life came to an end 4 years ago. That was regret. Regret,that I could not have utilized my time well back then. To go on tours,do crazy stuff etc. Like all regular teenagers. But that feeling has been replaced now with worry. Worry that what will I be doing when I’m done with my course in the coming 3 or so months. I’ll be having a lot of time,yes. But time to face life- to step out of my comfort zone and make a stand for myself. All my life I’ve been spoon-fed to disastrous levels that I’m doubting myself whether I’ll survive out there in the real scene. I trust my instincts,my skills,my determination-yet I’m doubtful of my performance. Since life turns serious from now on, I miss all those things I value the most. Friendship,love and all those good things. Since college life is coming to an end,most of us won’t be seeing each other regularly like we see everyday in class. Who knows; some of us won’t be seeing each other for years to come! I’m too sensitive to imagine of such a scenario, for I can’t bear the sheer pain of having been unable to away from my dear ones. I may have my own share of defects and faults, but if there was anything I was good at; I’d say I always knew how to keep my loved ones with me by spending the only thing I ever had with me,love.

As of now, no one can guarantee where we’ll all reach within a few years. Journey of life might take us to the extremes, but all I hope is that my loved one’s are never far away in heart miles. Close to heart even if we’re miles apart.

Well, the spare time had given me a lot to think about. And thoughts are concerning. As the wise have said before, when the going gets tough, the tough gets going. I’m praying that I have the toughness and strength in me to take me through the opening’s in life. I’m praying that people whom I care for are never missed and are always close to our hearts,always. I’m praying, for that’s the only thing I can do right now..

End of the world?

I’ve just seen a movie that set me thinking about the title. I’m sure all you had thought about the ‘End-of-the-world’ thing once in your life. But this movie(Seeking a Friend for the End of the World), set me thinking. How would I wanna die, when I know that things are gonna come to an end.. 

So, have you thought about it? How would you wanna die,given a choice? Who’d you be with? Friends?Family?Girlfriend/Boyfriend? Neighbor? or with a random stranger? 

What would you do in the mean time,knowing that the end is near(It would be near perfect if there was a timer,just like in the movie).Go fuck with random strangers?Go rob a bank? Or rather shoot yourself with a gun ? 

I know. The title offers a wide scope to set your imagination on fire.But,since we all know that the Mayan shit is nearing and nobody guarantees total safety; who knows what will happen tomorrow.

I’m not sure what I’ll do. I had plans.To be very frank,most of my plans were my guilty pleasures(namesake!). But apart from that,I see now that besides my family and friends, I’m gonna die alone. Born single and die single. Could never find my mate. hmm.. that’s somewhat depressing to know. Isn’t it ?

I mean, we all live our lives as if there’s no end to it. We just waste off our time here doing things we really don’t wanna do. For the sake of doing things, we’re engaged with them. Not for the fun of it. Only in the time of adversity we’ll ever know what to do really with the life we have. Think about it. Our whole life would be pointless once we’ve faced such a situation. Whatever we’ve done till then in our lives. Most of the things would be pointless. Except for the memories we have of those little moments of joy. Those little shattered pieces of glass in our lives. The one’s that hurt us. The one’s that left us bleeding. Those would be the only things we’d have with us in the end. Memories. Nothing more. 

Now,I’m not saying that you should make this a point to quit doing what you’re doing right now and wander off. That would be just escaping from the realities of life. I mean, I want to do a lot of things I wish right now.But I am, just like all of us here; bound by the laws of this society. As much as we speak about it,all of us are afraid to be the outlaws here. So, even though I may speak and wish of the ultimate freedom that only come at an apocalyptic time, I’m not at liberty to go and slap my bitchy college lecturer or grab some hot ass on road. I know, that would be suicide. 

So coming back to where I started. If it’s really the end coming, what would you do? Where would you wanna be? Who’d you wanna be with. As of now, all I can say is this. I’d be with my friends and family,cos they’re the only one’s I have as of now. I really don’t wanna die single. I so desperately don’t wanna be such an unlucky loser.But there must a way of things, right? I so dearly wish, I’d not end up alone. 

Better make a backup plan,guys. Some things, just drive you nuts..

The risky path..sins,friendship and survival.

There had been several close enough moments in my life where my entire life just hung on balance.These are, those times when you’re really at the mercy of someone else or the choices they make. My life just went through such a phase. Or call it a moment actually;that would be better I guess. It was one of those moments; as I just wrote, where your entire life seems to have paused before you. Halt. Unexpected,untimely and surely unprepared.This time around for me, it was my academics that made sure that such an “event” took place in my life. Lack of attendance in the classes meant dropping out of college at one stage and somehow miraculously I managed to whisk past the whole thing.It was as if walking the edge of a cliff, slipping your feet and somehow god throws you a magical rope that gives your life back to you! Not that I have any sort of previous experience doing this, but in a figurative sense it really felt that way.

Actually, I made that final walk down the isle to meet my death(college-life death; not literal death,again figurative) and was looking into the emptiness that lied ahead of me wondering what to do next. 20 minutes or so, I walked on fire. My life was burning apart and I could see the whole establishment changing around me. Everything I have so far done, every plan I had in my mind,everything; was waiting in the line to get fired. Those 20 minutes or so, life taught me lessons I’ve never learnt;ever. So far, I had things my way and there I stood begging for a chance at the mercy of others. Principles,ideologies,morals and every sort of idea I had about my life was being shattered. I saw my whole life falling apart in those 20 minutes.

Well may be not much of an exaggeration was required, but still I was searching in the darkness for an escape route. I actually though of some back-up plans for my life. But again, as I said; life just bounced back into my half-dead,almost corpse-like body. Without any sort of metaphorical decorations, the situation was that, I was asked to get out of my exam hall siting that I had low attendance in-order to appear for the exams. If I didn’t write the exams, I couldn’t continue with my batch and would have to later on join with my juniors after one year when they reach the semester currently I’m in; which I would never do in my life for life has been a bit comfy for me to accept dire failures. Pride was involved and so were emotions. I would miss my friends. My best friend. and I would never choose a college life without all of this. Had this happened, my 3 years of bitter experiences at college would have come to an end. I would have accepted defeat at the feet of my enemy and would have returned home as a loser. The only thing I had in my favor was my will power. My will to continue and pursue my degree. Pass out of that god forsaken place once and for all; with a degree in my hand. It would be like going to the devil’s belly and returning with the holy grail. Unimaginable, yet attainable. And so, I was presented with the last chance, all over again.

I came back, from death. Survived. Managed to escape the whole situation with some minor bruises and scars which would eventually heal with time. But it was an experience like none other nevertheless. In those times, my only relief was my best friend from college. She would probably be the best thing that happened to me after joining college.May be I was after all, chasing a Utopian dream all these years, that god saved me for better things in life. I don’t feel lost in love these days like I used to. There were days when I used to dream of my love till 3 in the morning and not go to college after losing my sleep! That’s a silly reason I know but still, that was me a few months back. But now i realize, I ought to enjoy what god gives me right now. The joy and fun of friendship and I’m lucky to have a friend like my best friend at college. Life is not bad all the time. She was my lifeline through these hard times. So were my parents. But emotions are different with different persons. Friendship was my refuge and savior.

THE  present situation. Well the usual. But a bit more sinful If I must admit. Thoughts have wandered all along that they have sucked up all the dirt and pollution on the way. Crude and un-cut. Lacking the old luster of innocence, my mind has become a junkyard of sinful thoughts. I reckon this fact. I realize I’m thinking too much and too much crap. But mind doesn’t listen. It does not settle down. It meanders to new horizons seeking new meanings in life. Everything written and established; challenged. To break the shackles and free myself. The words might sound good, but believe me, my thoughts ain’t. And I’m in no mood to share it here so that I’d have to regret it sometime later. I have become a conscious blogger in this regard.But nonetheless, my thoughts need some mechanism that would pure them head to toe. It’s like I’m standing but I can’t fix a point on which I should stand. I want to get my life straight, sorted out. But I’m not helping myself here.

Still in search of that perfection that has been missing in my life for ages. Still in search of that joy. The last time i laughed from the heart; out of innocence. Want to relive those moments again. ..Wanting to start afresh.

The Confession

So there. It’s just a month or two away from my 4th Anniversary in Blogging. Without much research, I’m guessing the precise month to be November. Yup. It was on Nov. 2008 when I began all of this. Well, it’s time for some of those things which I have wanted to share here, for a long, long time now.

First and foremost; as any responsible blogger (oh yea, I’m matured! :D) let me wish all the malayali’s around the world a very Happy Onam! It’s an auspicious day and the stage is set for my confession it seems!

Once again, I repeat. Don’t expect too much masala to come out of this confession. It’s just that, whenever I feel alone and whenever I feel I don’t have anyone else in this world to share all my troubles; I just come around here and type all those things which I’ve wanted to say. My few followers would’ve known this as a fact by this time, I guess. And please don’t take all this fore-wording in a negative way. I mean, I know I’m not a Blogging celebrity or something. The thing, my mind has been pre-occupied with a lot of stuff lately. Polluted might be the right word to use at the situation I guess. Anyway, I have to shout it out to some one or at some place, shouldn’t I? Moving on with a heavy mind has been a tough task. I got used to it, I admit. Over the years it had become a part of my system. And almost every time, all of these troubles or problems were results of my outrageous actions. Outrageous in the sense, you-were-doing-something-you-weren’t-supposed-to-do kind of.

My friends who have come across this blog would have realized one thing by now. My life is in deep shit! Let it be the Engineering course I chose or let it be simply sitting at home. My life revolves around trouble. One way or the other, trouble finds a way to reach me and hit me. And whenever something hits me, it never leaves without making an impact of sorts.

Academics has been a persistent pain in the ass since the time I began Blogging. You guys would know that. And much hasn’t changed since. Things just got worse each passing day. Arrears have amassed like a heap of shit over my head. I know. I and only I are responsible for all of this. I mean, I can stall my parents for the next one and a half years by blaming the stupid staff of my college. But ultimately, it’s me who has to clear up all this mess. That goes there.

Love life, as you know. It never reached anywhere. I think I was hopelessly praying for a miracle to occur without trying much. Lazy.Idiotic.Stupid. I know. You can call me anything. But still, the only thing that didn’t change was my love. It sounds a bit cinematic, isn’t it! Ha ha, I wish things were better. But god knows his way of doing things and let me see where he takes me next. Still being the persistent-optimist.

College has been a living hell for the past 2 and half years. If I go on saying about my college life, it goes on like a never ending story. So it’s better to keep it there in the shelf for sometime. Like Chetan Bhagat said, If I ever manage to get out alive from that college, I’m sure; I’d write a book about it. Or at least Blog about it; i swear to god! (Please do remind me ok, I tend to forget promises 😀 ).

The only good thing I got over the past 4 years was friends. Even in stupid college, its just friendship that keeps me motivated. Let this be a dedication to my best friends. Thank you guys for being there whenever I needed you the most. 🙂

For, one thing I know for sure. Friends won’t be there to write your arrear exams. Whenever your mind switch back to the practical mode, it’s like there’s no more life left in you. It’s you against a lot of people. Just people. Strangers. Why is the world like this? I really have no idea. Why can’t we go back to the good old days when love was everything and computers were just machines? Not anymore I guess. Just another lazy, Utopian dream of mine, I think.

It’s when you’re beaten down by the system, you desperately wish for a change. You never do that when you’re on the top. Loser’s life is hard to live my friends. I’m guessing, Flintstones had a great life! 😀 No java, no C++, no Discrete Mathematics. Nothing. Live,love,survive. That was some life, wasn’t it guys!!

Too much knowledge ruins our common sense. Desperately wishing for the tides to clear and please let the bright rays of the Sun soak me. Cleanse me please. I wish I could be a child again. Be free again. No tensions. No hatreds. No broken hearts. Nothing. Live,love,survive; just as I said above.

I’m guessing I’m asking too much. Brave men are the one’s who confront an obstacle and surpass it. The one’s who run aren’t remembered as brave. I don’t want to be remembered as a brave man who met a natural death; for everybody dies. Death is the only truth in life. Then why make life harder if you’re to die finally.

I hate this system. You all would hate this system when you cross-examine the flesh and bones of it. We make our lives a bit harder every passing day when we could have made it a bit easier. But no. Things shouldn’t come easy. You have to earn everything in life. For what? To die at last? God gave us a life to live. We should try to be happy whenever possible. But happiness never lasts. I guess that’s why they say, Rest In Peace when you’re dead. World’s greatest comedy is that you have to be dead to get some peace in life!

I just hope things clear out in my case. I just hope that I would feel relieved when I read this post a few years from now, hopefully with a person I love. I just hope….