Two more days to go for another series of University exams. And here I sit down in front of my computer typing random mind-wanderings as I see the clocking turning to four in the morning.
That pretty much explains my situation. And as most among my few readers would have imagined, I don’t know anything about what I’m gonna write in my exams which would most probably eat me up when its up and running.
I don’t know why, but I always like this lazy life. Or may be it was because I desperately needed and mostly deserved a break. Thanks to all those breaks I took, I had to pay the fine; literally. I shed a good 6000Rs to get myself qualified for appearing in the University exams, which at this point seems terribly wasted.
I spent the last week or so doing nothing but the same things I did for the past few months. Every day just the same with time flying by and not giving me a second chance to chew to something as a memory. Nothing.
Blank.
But not entirely. Vague. I seemingly stare into a future which i can predict. Spending almost half the day sleeping, waking up , taking the bike for a ride, coming back late, watching t.v for some time, having some food, jackin’ off at some old stock, wandering in the net for hours and finally getting some sleep.
My usual day. Summed up in a sentence, and wasted like in one.
All of these doings, if these were doings at all , hadn’t brought me anything special in particular. I see myself wasting time and my age going up hill with each ticking second and all of this bringing nothing but tension to all my loved ones.
My mother, father and all others who know exactly my lifestyle have been worried about me for quite a while. I know, it’s my life. But I’m not that angry 15 year old who desperately want some privacy in his life but forget that whenever basic needs stick upon him. Now, I know that a life not lived for others is a life lived for nothing. Worthless.
All the material joys you would earn out of such a life would,at a point, bore you.
And that’s point blank.
It’s actually not a factual statement, I’d like to convey. But a stress on a situation all of us manages to find ourselves in quite often in our daily lives.
All of these days wasted, can never be lived once again. And I’ll wish for this desperately one day. I can see that. But regrets hold no place in our lives, for it again is a waste of our time.
All those magnificent fantasies I had during my early teenage days, about having a colorful life; the dramatic one where I’m always the hero, seems bit of a hard nut to crack these days.
That’s when you lose faith in Santa Claus and the Tooth fairy. The stagnant days churn out the last bit of magic left in each of us, that we unknowingly become a part of the mechanical world.
Now, you may think, I crossed many borders while starting from one point and going on from one to the another. Actually , what i wanted to convey was that; when life is stagnant and monotonous like mine is right now,you’d desperately wish for some magic. Some godliness. For a change to bring back enthusiasm and energy back into your life.
When was the last time I laughed around madly and when was the last time I ran around the place laughing like a maniac??!! I can’t really remember. It might be yesterday, or a couple of hours ago. But still it won’t matter if it was just my private moment. I want myself to be happy. But happiness without anybody to share is just like loud music being made to play in the mute-mode.
The same applies to the dampness I feel now. The uneasiness spreads on to others or rather you end up thinking others too feel the same way. Dunno why my mind doesn’t stick to one passionate thing these days.
Passion is really the thing I’ve been missing. I really don’t know whether the path I’ve chosen is still right for me.
My heart says its right to an extent, but as me and my friend would often conclude; I’m always caught up between two things. Neither of the two would satisfy me entirely. Then what?
I hope that all of these confusions and unclear images about my life would change when reality strikes upon me.
That is in the form of my University Exams!!
Now back to where we came from. End of philosophy. Reality is rock-hard and tough. All of those tests which had embraced me in the past, and all those waiting in the corners; lurking,waiting to jump on me just to take a good feast out of me make me realize that nothing is over. Yet!
There’s still plenty more action coming up and these blank points will come up again. I just need to find something deadly inspiring to keep me busy during these slumps. Love would help, I think.
But the thing that complicates is that , as much as the interest matters, so does the reaction from the opposite party!
So back to where we started.
End to all those philosophical torturing, and I’m sure one would have just scrolled through the entire page just to make a point. And the generous might leave a comment or anything.
But one thing I want to convey here is that, most of my writings often turn out to be my own personal confessions to my own conscience. Just to keep myself inspired in my life.
And everything I receive for such a selfish act; I take as inspiration. May it be those few words from you or my blog stats.
Those are really the things that motivate me during these slumps. At least, I have something to rejoice upon, don’t I.
🙂
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