Back Home.

Back home. Back to this blog after so many years.

Its been far too long since I’ve been here, but the sudden urge to just pen your thoughts, I succumb to it, at last.

The world has changed much over the years since I last posted here. Perhaps, the last time I posted here was on my desktop, which sits over there at the hall, having had its last breath. (I now post this on my laptop, which I brought in 2016, having a WiFi 4G or 5G connection, can’t complain, certain things got a lot better over the years!) A lot of water has flown under a lot of bridges. People came and people went., we wept over our losses, the flood stuck, the virus stuck and yet we prevail. We picked ourselves up again and we made it here.

Somehow, life, at times, it feels like is moving in circles. I always used this space as my echo chamber, a place to just bounce of the thoughts in my head and be relieved to push it out of my system. Sort of like a dopamine booster. Yet, when I come back to it after six long years, the purpose still remains the same. And it helps.

Back when I started out blogging, my late teenage angst years, the world I interacted with weren’t much vocal about mental health issues. But in 2022, things have changed a lot and for the better I think. Not claiming much, but this space right here, has been therapeutical for me at least, for the past fifteen years. Feels good to be back doing something which I’ve always loved and I guess it was something I needed to do right now.

Ok, so let me just try to sum up what has happened over the last six years, since my last post here. College happened. Post Grad that is. 4 years of living abroad happened. Marriage (!!) happened! Wow! Just writing that brings a sense of being overwhelmed and proud at the same time. I stuck out, survived, lived and feel gratitude for where life has taken me. Gratitude.

And that brings me to now, the present. A few things to sort out while being home after so long out. Expecting positive changes to happen and fingers crossed things work out. This phase, sort of feels like being at cross-roads, literally. It is home, but never truly feeling at home because (to quote Robert Frost – have miles to go before I sleep) a lot of things aren’t the way it used to be.

The thing about adulthood they don’t tell you is, you deal with things and you go back and try to sleep. Back when we’re kids, we don’t really get a sense of the mechanism that runs to keep our lives ticking. Parents breaking their back to support us, to keep food on the table, to get you to school and so on. Only when its you, living the same life as an adult, get a sense of the difficulty that life has got in store for you. At some point, you realize that, stories are to be put on hold and you have to go out in the woods and get the firewood yourself. Nobody’s going to get them for you anymore. But that’s just life. For all of us. Some of us had the luxury to enjoy not knowing this for a bit longer than others, but eventually, we all end up in the same boat. Breaking our backs, working towards a career, putting food on the table, supporting your children and their lives. Damn, I feel old already!

At 31 years old, if I were to attend therapy, my doctor would’ve advised me that keeping a journal would be a good thing. Write down things to make yourself feel better. If things get a bit overwhelming, try to write it down and that’s half the job done. Forgive me if my ramblings tend to wander between the corporate crap and the usual philosophical trope. That’s the kind of space where I am at right now. An overthinker who became a lot quieter over the years, realizing that money runs the world, if you have it, its peaceful, otherwise you’re screwed. Let me for a split second try and find comfort in familiar surroundings, where the old poet and dreamer lay to rest. Perhaps, the flames still burn somewhere in the corners and its comforting.

Peace.

New Year: Looking Ahead

So, yet another year comes to an end in our lives. It’s New Year time and its that time of the year when people look ahead into their lives with much hope and optimism.

Well, I’m no different. Its everything optimism and hope still with me. Maybe, I’m a bit more pessimistic about my life than in the past few years. I guess, there’s no point in pondering over the past and being grim about it. Its New Year and its time to look ahead.

My life has been anything but pretty in the past year.  I’ve been stuck in a metaphorical (as well as creative, physical etc ) rut for the past two and a half years now. The last good thing that happened to me was College. Once that came to an end; I’ve pretty much got stuck or derailed off the path. The path, as anybody would know is to make a living and move on with life. Like a lot of 24 year old’s world over. But somehow, I have managed to find myself in a no-man’s-land situation. It’s neither there nor here.
And I kinda feel nowadays that, I’ve had too much of a free-time. My time to nap has been up for a while now. It’s time for me to get back my ass on the line and work.

It’s a strange wish but I feel that what I really need is some order in my life. Order in the sense, an institutional order. Like belonging to an institution, being part of something, working for something. A cause. I guess, after all; that’s all we need in life. A cause. To work for, to live for.
Because at times I feel, being free doesn’t make me appreciate freedom for I think it has spoilt me. Maybe I need those chains to tie me down so that I can appreciate my free times. Strange wish, like I said.

Sometimes, I feel that time just flies by so fast that I don’t really have a moment to catch my breath and just take a look at what needs to be done. It’s like my youngster-care free days are being worn out sooner than I had wished for. The energy of youth sucked out of my system. All I know is that if things are gonna go the way they are going right now, I’m gonna be a zombie looking at the lives of others while mine just goes down the drain. The thought alone gives me the chills to my bones!

There used to be a time when I had dreams of me engaging in far greater things in life. Well, maybe we all grow up to realize that most of our dreams just remain in the dream world. The greats of our lifetime are just meant to be great and the rest of might just be meant for a whole different purpose. To be spectators to greatness. To clap our hands at greatness. To live out inconsequential lives and to die an inconsequential death. No state burial ceremonies, no public mournings. Just plain deaths. Like crows on an electric line. Whoof! Gone in a moment. Maybe some of us are destined to be the audience.

Well, I thought last New Year was my worst in years. When I look back, it definitely wasn’t my worst. I just had a sober New Year’s eve in almost 5 years, that’s all. Kinda like the whole year too. No frills and thrills, nothing exciting. Just sobering up in life. Making me feel older than I should. A receding hairline, a bulging pot belly and an increasing weight. Not in the best physical shape for a 24 year old to put it mildly.
Dealing with the harsher realities of life like the death of my grand mother too had somehow sucked out some of my carefree energy. Life definitely aint’ what it used to be and I’m not having a hell of a time dealing with it.

This New Year’s eve, things were different than last year. I did have a party with my friends. Had a few drinks, laughed out loud, made some noise and went to sleep drunk. All was well while it lasted. But it’s back to my usual mundane routines now. Eat-Sleep-Internet-TV-Repeat.

Even amidst all this, I wouldn’t wanna write off my last two years. I learned. I learned a lot while I was doing nothing in particular. I got exposed to new ideas in freethinking. As much as it was liberating, it kinda took away my oftenly used solace in God. Well, let’s just leave it at that for the moment and look at other good things that happened.
I think I’ve learned to become more empathetical. I feel empathetical for my mom especially for the life she has had in the past thirty odd years. I now know what it feels like to be a homemaker. How mundane life can get. I do wish things were different. I promise to myself to make things better when I can. I hope I can.

Looking ahead, I hope things are different from what it is now. Hoping and being optimistic as ever.

Slow : The agonising pace of my life

Has anyone ever noticed that the things around you adapt to the pace of your life ?

The way you drive your car, the way you eat your breakfast, the time that takes to go to toilet, and even the speed of your internet connection. Somehow, I feel; everything has a fixed speedometer attached to them which corresponds to the pace your life is going.
Remember your college days ?! When things went too fast and you thought that everything in life was going be like this forever ?! Yea, I made that mistake too apparently! College was like an escape. Your paid vacation; only its the other way around( You pay them for your vacation! 😀 ).
So then, 2 years down the line after college, here I sit in front of my PC, 7.30 in the morning having nothing better to do than to repeat a lazy routine of TV-Internet-Food-Sleep in any kinda order I want, I find things in my life to have attuned to the dull pace of my life itself. Everything has become slow. Like a loopy dream, a trippy ride. Everything has become like the screeching sound a fan makes on an oven-hot day. Slow. Dead slow.

Life has taken a turn for the worst since my last post here. Actually, I can’t remember the last time I writing down something here and feeling happy about it. And when I’ve just said ‘life has taken a turn’ I think I should elaborate on that particular sentence. Life hasn’t even taken a turn for the matter. It actually stood there. The very same point at which I found myself 2 years ago since I’ve left college. No turns, no drastic changes, nothing. All I had been doing during this while was to try and fix up the mistakes I’ve made in my college life. Mistakes could be a naive word for it. I was actually clueless. I still am for the matter. Clueless on what to do, where do I find myself ten years from now. All those sort-of ‘practical’ questions life throws at you. Questions you were supposed to have an answer to by the time you had hit 20(or 25 in an excusable way). I had been evading it all my life. Now that I think of it, I’m clueless as ever and it frightens me!

The scariest thing is the realization that I’ve gotten used to the dull pace of my life. Maybe its another way of saying that I got lazy. As Nick Dunne says it in the book Gone Girl, ‘I contain and compartmentalize to a disturbing degree’. I found myself looking at the mirror while reading those lines. People say that you have to venture out in life to make something for yourself. To take that leap of faith so as to speak. Its not that I don’t know what I have to do right now, but the very agonising truth that I’m incapable of doing anything right now. I’ve put myself in this situation where I had handicapped myself and found comfort with that. Its me who is pulling me back and I am OK with it. That’s what scares me the most.

I’m almost 25 and I don’t have a flying fuck on what to do with my life. Nothing in this point could entice me. And I’m being uneasily calm about the idea of me being stuck in a rut. These days, I’m so bored I can almost hear myself repeating the words I’ve just spoken out. Hearing it again in my head as if there’s an echo. I wonder sometimes why I hadn’t gone crazy after all this time. Do you feel I’m exaggerating ? I welcome you to share my life and then maybe you can make a judgement on me.

People always complain about why they’re being subjected to misery in life. Believers tend to think its their karma that led them to this shit. The funny thing about my life is, I didn’t do shit! 😀
You ever felt that way?! Having done nothing yet you find your life in a downward spiral all the time! Nothing in the purest sense. Blank,plain, nothing! I have done nothing as far as I can remember.

To give you an idea about how sick my life has become remember the routine I’ve mentioned above. TV-Sleep-Internet-Food in no particular order! The world I find myself in is the online world. People whom I’ve never met before has become characters in my life. I tend to speak of things happening online in the way a normal person would talk of his work/college life. I literally has no life outside of the virtual world! There’s this big gap in my life after college. And I filled it with the online escape. Up until college, everybody has a steady routine.  A tension free queue to fall into while shaping your life. But after that, you’re on your own and its you who has to take charge of things you have to do. And I think I haven’t taken that chance for the past 2 years.

Waking up every day feeling the same as you did the day before.  Having to pinch or slap yourself to remind that yes, you’re well and alive.
Do you ever wonder why people started making calenders, naming each day as a Sunday or a Monday. To have purpose in life. To differentiate each day of life. Well, in the grander sense of things it’s all meaningless because you live, you work, you die. You die either way so trying to make a purpose is the most meaningless thing you could do. But I think the simple reason behind all this could be that life in itself is monotonous and you find ways to go around that monotony as much as possible, trying to make a purpose for living, to be happy. And I think that’s what makes life worth living. Finding ways to keep yourself happy amidst all the monotonies of life.

Well, I think I’ve bored enough with my blabbering. As you might have figured, I have nothing better to do right now. All I can say right now is that I’ll be back. I’ll be back here if I ain’t crazy by then. You take care!

Dealing with it

i’ll begin with my usual opening line; “It’s been a while since I’ve been here”.

I know, it’s become a cliche of sorts. But as usual; I’m un-inspired, bored, and trying to figure out what the hell is happening with my life. And that’s when I find myself in this familiar surrounding again. The blue on blue dashboard of WordPress, my blog welcoming me yet again, begging me to spit out my sorrows( which is kind of the only thing I ever do here). A little bit of intellectual, masturbation, letting out my frustration, a creative exercise, if you can call it that. I don’t know what I do here, but I’m here to do my thing. So here it goes folks.

Well, life has been the same for the past two years and there’s nothing much creative or inspiring enough to write about. You might be knowing that because that’s all I’ve been writing for the past couple of years really; about how depressing my life is. Well, I was wrong once again, since life found a way to become more monotonous, and more depressing in the sense I’ve coped with the monotony. It’s like I’m dead.

Nothing has been happening for me, really. Nothing. And I’m not being a pessimist here. It’s just that sometimes, nothing happens. And whatever that happens are kinda adding on to the pre-existing misery in life.Talking about which, I had to deal with a couple of deaths in my family. I don’t know if somebody has ever said that every death marks the end of innocence. But in my case, I’d certainly put that as the end of my life as I knew it. Or the illusion that I knew about life.

I feel like a boy in a man’s life at most times. I really don’t have a clue how to deal with things that life keeps throwing at me, even if its nothing. How to deal with nothing ? Existential crisis ? I’m at loss of words here.

Frankly, moving away from all this and purely from a pragmatic point of view; my problem is that I’ve been idle. I don’t really have a material life so as to speak so that I can hide away from all these realities of life. To put it simply, I’m jobless. My mind has been dwelling on too much negativity ( or nothing really;blank) for the past couple of years that I find it astounding that I haven’t gone crazy! How do people cope with idleness. Loneliness. Life, Death,Life again.

I guess, we don’t. We deal with. I’m guessing I haven’t gone crazy because I dealt with my life. Even though nothing is happening, dealing with nothing is not a simple thing.

Ok, just erase all that existential bullshit you’ve just read and I’m sorry you had go through that. Ok,let me just come back to ground level now.

What I need right now is a job.A fucking job. Any job. Something to keep my mind occupied. Something physical, if possible.( Not possible because I’m a fucking Computer Engineer, I know! 😀 ) Well, I wish that I get a job(here goes the old self-doubting me).

In retrospect, the one good thing that happened to me was that I was given the luxury of time. To figure myself out. I’ve been spending most of my time these days online and have found some liberating ideas on Freethinking. I’ve been reading. Not many books off late, but ideas and some wonderful thoughts. It’s like I’ve been exposed to a whole new side of this world. I’ve developed a taste for online debates on a wide range of topics and issues. I’ve certainly grown to be more patient, if not too patient at times! I don’t get easily offended these days. Watching more movies have been a definite plus. Acquiring a taste for good movies.

Again,when I think about it, life in the past couple of years have transformed me in ways I cannot describe. So much so that, it’s almost an un-becoming of my past self. Maybe its the circumstances and the challenges that life threw at me, or the ideas I came across and embraced. But I feel like I’m building myself here again. I guess, this is where childhood ends and the real thing begins. So even if nothing was really happening for me, I guess something was happening after all!
I guess, I’ll just have to deal with it.

Poetry : Lost and Found

It’s been a while, I know. Well, with nothing really happening in my life; the whole point of coming out here and scribbling something has become a little less appealing to me these days. Or you could just say that I’ve been lazy. Either works fine with me.

So, life has been pretty much the same for the past one and a half years now. Boring, Dull, whatever words you can find to describe it doesn’t do justice to the feeling. Any ways, the whole reason I’ve decided to come out here is because, today I switched on my old phone and found a piece of poetry I’ve written about 3 years ago. I don’t know if I had posted it here already, but I just found it too good to be left alone in the dusty corners of my old phone’s memory. I know, I’m boasting about my own skills here, but the person who wrote it 3 years ago and the person who is struggling to write something nowadays have a lot less in common; that much I can assure you. All these years, I’ve been trying to rediscover that spark I’ve lost a long time ago. I feel that I need a creative push more than anything at the moment. Well, who knows what might be of help. So here it goes. Hopefully, you’ll find this good too.

” I move with limped legs,

and a broken heart

waiting for the final whistle to blow..

the end of a lost game.

Walk away with little left of what 

can be called as pride. 

Yesterdays starting to become 

long lost memories, 

Hard earned virtues of the past turning into 

nothing but the trash of today. 

I gasp for breath in this alien world..

few things that kept me alive becoming pricey 

each passing day..

I’m left with no choice but to live

till the ultimate escape..

to swim a few worthless miles 

before drowning deep.

to make some noise before 

the eternal silence. 

I lie here waiting to be dead..” 

This  was perhaps the time when my first infatuation kinda died on itself. That’s why the whole macabre kinda mood to it. Any ways, I’ve never had such an inspiration to scribble something like this in a long time, I figured I might just post something I’ve written a long time ago. Looking back, all of it seems so silly. But it definitely fuelled my creative pursuits and that in itself is a positive thing I guess. As someone once said, adversity brings the best out of us in ways we can never imagine( if no body had said it before, let’s just say, I said it now! 😀  ).

Let there be peace! 

Culmination of a dull year; Hopes and lots more..

I’ve been lazy over the past few months. Needless to say, my visits here have been few and far between. Actually, life itself has been kinda like this for me in the past few months. Well, “few months” is rather a generalization of the past year I guess, for I’ve been like this for the past one and half year. So where were we then ?!

Ah, yes! It’s New Year time! Another year comes to an end and we’re getting ready to face 2015! We have to make that mental adjustment while counting our ages and writing date on letters! But I’m sure we’ll get used to it; like we’ve gotten used to in the past!

As for me, New Years’ eve is the culmination of a rather forgettable year in my life. Reasons being the obvious ones. The same old reasons I have spent many a time typing down here yet they seem to not let me go any time soon. As my few readers would be knowing, I had completed my college back in mid 2013 and since then there has been an ever persistent monotony in my life. I had a hell of a lot of backpapers( yea, way more than your usual) and I have been trying to clear them off so that I could get my graduation; for the past one and half years. 2014 was nothing but  the two semester exams; one at the start of the year and one towards the end of it. The in-between stuff largely remains hazy. Maybe ‘cos there was hardly anything worthwhile to remember!

It’s been truly dull. There is only so much time a guy can sit simply in his house without going nuts. Somehow, I have survived the walk down the crazy path. I’m now like an inactive system. A lot of my resources I fear, have become rusted in the past one and half years. Looking back, what did I do in the past year?! I’m just amazed at how one can spent a year of his life without doing anything worthwhile!! Actually, it used to shock me for a while, it used to have the better of me at times, but now; everything seems meaningless. I’m half-dead; I’m more like a zombie these days.

College seems like a distant memory. Perhaps because it was the last meaningful thing I did in my life. Everything else seems not worth remembering since then. Yea, I had a few trips with friends and did have a hell of a time while it lasted. But there are things that you’d wanna look back and take as achievements in your life. It’s been my curse, that I haven’t had many such occasions in the past few years.

I did hope that at the cusp of 2013, the new year ahead would be a bit different than the previous one. Sadly, it turned out to be the worst in my life. But I’m not losing hope. I know for a fact that there are things in life you are meant to know and experience and wisdom might just come to you by simply sitting idle, who knows. I’ve certainly changed, that much I can assure. Everything isn’t enjoyable these days because deep down you have that feeling that tells me that I should be out there in the world doing something meaningful to me and people around me. Instead, I have been forced to lay low thanks to the academic blunders I had in college. I guess, having fun comes at a cost. Anyways, complaining isn’t really the way to end things. Hope. Only hope prevails in me right now.

I certainly hope things do change for the better in 2015. Future looks more bleak nowadays than it used to in my childhood but I’m not ready to give up without a fight. Everything will be alright, I hope.And as Andy Dufresne has said, Hope is a good thing. 🙂

The “In-between” guys : the middle-men crisis

This is not exactly an identity crisis I’m facing but the realization. In fact, I’ve known this for a long time now but I felt the need to convert my feeling into words just today. For the sake of it. To lend my voice to all those people out there who are like me; the In-between guys or the middlemen as I would like to call it. 

There is no specific terminology but this is just a word I have coined after watching a movie of the same name but it somehow clearly depicts the picture of what I’m trying to convene. 

Have you ever thought where you fall into in the society ? I have been having such thoughts for quite a while now. And I think, as I’ve said before, there isn’t a particular category where I’d fit right into.

I see the world as filled with three kinds of people. First section comprises of those who are society’s favorites. The ones among us who are right away successful, who are right now as I speak leading an exemplary life. The sort of life our Uncles and Aunties mention to us in weddings and other social get-togethers. I’m sure lot of us have had to deal with such a scenario at least once in their lives.

I’m talking about the one’s who are successful in doing things the way society meant us to do. The one’s who think with their brains.Academically brilliant, getting a good job just after college, financially secure( not overly spending and not being a miser; the fine balance). Yes, you get the picture. Social darlings!

i’m not undermining their efforts for I know a lot of people who’d right away fit into this category. I know that some of them are reading this and might be thinking that this is just a loser’s way of interpreting things in life. Well, I’d like to see life from another perspective I guess, as simple as that. It’s just that the guys who fall into the first category are kind of the text book role models in life. And I do not blame the society for having put up them in such a way for they seem to have everything a normal society would dream of as ideal. So, that makes our first category. 

Then there’s the second category of people. The outcasts. 

The one’s who think with their hearts. They’re sure to have a very troublesome childhood,teens and youth. Once they’ve reached their youth; you’ll find them more often living life on their own terms and despising anything that could be termed as systematic. They’re the one’s who are free. But just as everything, freedom comes at a cost. And society will look upon them as examples of how not to lead a life. The socially outcast. They seem to have extremes and only extremes in their character traits. Extremely emotional, and most of them are extremely talented. For the things they lack in academic or rather the socially acceptable norms of brilliance , they make up for it in their own ways. Artistic, imaginative, dreamers. They are the real geniuses with an eccentric spark in them. Just as with the first category, I have a lot of friends (in fact one of my best friends) who would fit right away into this category. 

Then comes the broader,third group. The in-between guys. Where people like you and me fall into. 

As the term suggests, we’re the in-between guys. We’re not total outcasts yet we don’t really fall into the social darling category. We try our best to walk in both these paths. Yet, confusion is what rules our lives. Caught up in that eternal fight between the heart and the brain. We’re sensible enough to be practical at times, yet we wish more often for that true freedom. Even if we’re presented that kind of an opportunity to be free at last, we some how do not make a run for it and settle for the least troublesome option. Simply putting it, we do not have the courage to be social outcasts, and we’re not equipped well enough to be social darlings. Somehow, we’ll have to make do with the golden word our society has provided us with : Adjust ! 

Unlike the first two, we tend to take lot more time in finding our stand in life. And even if we have found something that suits our interests, we’re emotionally willing to sacrifice for the sake of others. Just as I said before, cowards when compared to the outcasts and less brilliant in socially accepted norms of excellence. 

So there must be something that’s meant for us. We do those kinds of jobs that require people like us. People with enough patience to handle the outcasts and people who are appointed by the social darlings. Lot of us never make it anywhere. We just live, and we just die off the face of this planet. No body cares for us and no body is going to know that such a person ever lived here. It’s harder for us to make our mark here for doing that we’d ultimately have to embrace either one of the two choices. To be a social darling or to be an outcast. We just can’t make a mark for ourselves by embracing the best of both worlds. To be frank, I’d rather go the outcast way than being a pampered idiot who lives his life on the terms dictated by others. 

The reason I’m posting this is because I’ve met someone in the past few days. A guy who I know for a fact that he would have been crowned a genius straightaway in a Utopian society. A society where people with dreams are encouraged, where actually people with different interests are pushed to pursue their course in life. But unfortunately, he was born here. In our society. Where it is acceptable to study a course which holds no interest value whatsoever but being artistic means jobless and being looked upon with frowns. I’ve read an interesting quote that goes like this,” What will the society think has killed more dreams than anything else! ” It just cannot be more clearer than that. 

Therein lies the great confusion people like me are facing each and every day in life. We are consumed by emotional bonds that we are forced to be practical in many situations in life against our wish. Somehow we become accustomed to being practical at times that we often forget the real meaning of being free. Also it has shaped our character in such a way that, we cannot live without these responsibilities. Somehow we just can’t adjust live with the no-rules ideology.  We have grown to find comfort in the chains we are tied to. 

I’m sure a lot of you will be having such confusions in your lives as well. Let’s hope that someday the dust will settle down. Optimism is one thing I have with me to move forward. Let’s hope we’ll die as somebody valuable,somebody worth remembering. Not just a name in the obituary column. Lets just not be one among the many people who die in a revolution. Let’s either be the heroes or the villains. World should remember a man called Anil after I’ve gone. Its as simple as that! 🙂 

Let’s hope that our dreams are fulfilled too, someday.. . 

< P.S I desperately hope that people read this post. This is by far the best post I’ve written with truly my heart and soul into it. >

Dreamers : Hero’s in our own worlds!

Hero’s in our own worlds!

You would know that my life has been pretty dull off-late thanks to a heap of posts I have published here in recent times. After coming out of college, life has been like a mixed Rubik’s cube, and I’ve been trying hard to get the pieces right. I’m not going into the details of it as this has been my subject of misery in the past few posts, I’d like to talk about a welcome change I encountered in the past few days.

Journeys often bring about a drastic change in our mindsets, however short it might be. A journey need not be a long drive essentially, it can also be a two hour movie which takes you into that magical realm for however short span it runs. Thankfully, I’ve had the luck of having enjoyed best of both!

I recently went on a pretty long drive with my friends through the adventurous forest roads of Athirappilly-Valparai. It was pretty damn scary at times considering the fact that we were pretty close to the wildlife having seen a wild bison up close! Also the elephant-crossing zones had given me enough chill to remind me that after all I was still alive! Those two days, were the best thing that happened to me in several months and it truly reminded me at times as I’ve just said; that I was still alive and breathing!!

Another one is which I really want to talk about. Yesterday, I happened to watch the movie ‘The Secret Life of Walter Mitty’. It was one of those mind-blowing cinematic experiences that I’ve had in recent times! I’m not going into the details of the movie but for those of you have seen the movie might understand the dreamer portion I have mentioned in my header. Walter Mitty is a dreamer. He is a hero in his own universe. And that was the portion that kept me in. I myself is a Walter Mitty. I was the hero in my own universe. I always wanted to escape the orbit and roam around; just loop away from the fixed pattern in life that I found Walter Mitty as my ideal hero who does just that. He has these zoned-out sessions where he just dreams of possible outcomes if he had done this,that etc. In most cases he might be thinking whether he had some super powers to cope with the dull life. As far as I can remember, I have always been a Walter Mitty in my life. I have dreamed of all those things I could do, or rather i could have done; and in some cases,yes; having super powers too!

Also the location where the movie was shot just lifted my mood. It was a visual treat! Those scenic Icelandic vistas have definitely made their way into my bucket list!

But most importantly the thing I wanted to say is that, we tend to remain dreamers throughout our life. Never having the courage to go after the unknown or venture out into the dark so as to speak figuratively. We are lazied in our comfort zones that we practically live our lives waiting to die. There must be something that we should aspire to leave back here as a signature of sorts, which will make the world know that a person by this name had lived here! I want to do that. I dream of doing that. And from what I concurred, the movie essentially carries the same message. However bound in cliche’s, the movies’ core message is that to get out of your comfort zones and explore the world around you! Or at least that’s what I interpreted.

Anyways, it has been pretty pleasing to find an inspiration in an otherwise dull life. I hope someday that I too will become a Rubik’s cube whose pieces have all been fitted perfectly. I hope I too will someday have my own adventure, my own mark on this world. Peace! 🙂

A year without a change

It has been a year since my college life has come to an end. When I come to think about it, it has been a pretty dull year. All my previous posts being clear indications of dullness that has become a part and parcel of life for the past year. 4 years of luxury have been well spent, time to step on to the real world; no one warned me it could be this worse.

Change is what that has been lacking for so long in my life. I haven’t got accustomed to the comfort of lazily sitting at home doing nothing since I dream every once in a while of doing something and turning things around. But execution has been a failure of sorts lately. Since this blog has been my personal shrink for years, whenever I feel that the situation is too much for me to handle, i come here blurt out the stockpile of emotions that has been suffocating me. It feels good,for a moment at least. Please bare with me my few readers. 😦

Another season of exams came and went without making much change in my life. To think of it now, my future depends on some random set of words that comes out of a blue of black inked pen! Some system we have,right! 😀 Well, the time for blame-games have past a long time ago. So no point in making blames at the ever-so-corrupt educational system that we have in our great country.

Somehow, this is more like a vacation I didn’t ask for. Or at least an extension of a vacation that I wanted. Too much of a vacation can spoil your mood; I have learned that the hard way. For long I have been stuck at this juncture having no idea, what to do next. Days go by and suddenly you stop to realize that a year has gone by in your life without making much of a noise;and you still have no clue what’s going on!!

Again, much couldn’t be said about what should be done because the choices are pretty simple. Clear the mess or become the mess! As simple as that. Let’s see what the mystic future holds for me. God bless. Peace!

Trance

Been some time since I’ve posted. Things haven’t changed much since my last post. But certainly, some way or the other; I’ve become accustomed to the busy life of my friends.

It can be pretty hard on you when you’re having nothing do and when you’re friends are busy out there working full time jobs. Contacts can be put on hold and the frequency of contacts between friends will reduce. It took me some time to realize it, but I’ve accepted it and I choose to move on. It’s not about being happy or sad, it’s about understanding the facts in life. Nothing can change that.

I’m almost in a trance state. Another season of exams are fast approaching and as usual I’m ill-prepared to face them. Actually, I have only one exam in April and the rest are scheduled on mid May and June.

That means I’ll getting busy myself and things will be a bit easier on me,’cos believe me when I say this; I can take busy any time, but I just can’t deal with boredom!

This is yet another chance at redemption,trying to better somethings I could’ve done better in life. I wish I clear off a load from my shoulders this time around. That would be such a huge relief. Well, you never know what to expect.

Anyways, I’m going in with a neutral mindset towards everything. Anger,emotions,pain,happiness-nothing. Plain and simple on the periphery without much turbulence in the depths. I’m not happy nor sad,but I think I have managed to move on. Well, let’s see where I’ll be at one year from now. Hoping it’ll be for the best. God Bless us all..