There had been several close enough moments in my life where my entire life just hung on balance.These are, those times when you’re really at the mercy of someone else or the choices they make. My life just went through such a phase. Or call it a moment actually;that would be better I guess. It was one of those moments; as I just wrote, where your entire life seems to have paused before you. Halt. Unexpected,untimely and surely unprepared.This time around for me, it was my academics that made sure that such an “event” took place in my life. Lack of attendance in the classes meant dropping out of college at one stage and somehow miraculously I managed to whisk past the whole thing.It was as if walking the edge of a cliff, slipping your feet and somehow god throws you a magical rope that gives your life back to you! Not that I have any sort of previous experience doing this, but in a figurative sense it really felt that way.
Actually, I made that final walk down the isle to meet my death(college-life death; not literal death,again figurative) and was looking into the emptiness that lied ahead of me wondering what to do next. 20 minutes or so, I walked on fire. My life was burning apart and I could see the whole establishment changing around me. Everything I have so far done, every plan I had in my mind,everything; was waiting in the line to get fired. Those 20 minutes or so, life taught me lessons I’ve never learnt;ever. So far, I had things my way and there I stood begging for a chance at the mercy of others. Principles,ideologies,morals and every sort of idea I had about my life was being shattered. I saw my whole life falling apart in those 20 minutes.
Well may be not much of an exaggeration was required, but still I was searching in the darkness for an escape route. I actually though of some back-up plans for my life. But again, as I said; life just bounced back into my half-dead,almost corpse-like body. Without any sort of metaphorical decorations, the situation was that, I was asked to get out of my exam hall siting that I had low attendance in-order to appear for the exams. If I didn’t write the exams, I couldn’t continue with my batch and would have to later on join with my juniors after one year when they reach the semester currently I’m in; which I would never do in my life for life has been a bit comfy for me to accept dire failures. Pride was involved and so were emotions. I would miss my friends. My best friend. and I would never choose a college life without all of this. Had this happened, my 3 years of bitter experiences at college would have come to an end. I would have accepted defeat at the feet of my enemy and would have returned home as a loser. The only thing I had in my favor was my will power. My will to continue and pursue my degree. Pass out of that god forsaken place once and for all; with a degree in my hand. It would be like going to the devil’s belly and returning with the holy grail. Unimaginable, yet attainable. And so, I was presented with the last chance, all over again.
I came back, from death. Survived. Managed to escape the whole situation with some minor bruises and scars which would eventually heal with time. But it was an experience like none other nevertheless. In those times, my only relief was my best friend from college. She would probably be the best thing that happened to me after joining college.May be I was after all, chasing a Utopian dream all these years, that god saved me for better things in life. I don’t feel lost in love these days like I used to. There were days when I used to dream of my love till 3 in the morning and not go to college after losing my sleep! That’s a silly reason I know but still, that was me a few months back. But now i realize, I ought to enjoy what god gives me right now. The joy and fun of friendship and I’m lucky to have a friend like my best friend at college. Life is not bad all the time. She was my lifeline through these hard times. So were my parents. But emotions are different with different persons. Friendship was my refuge and savior.
THE present situation. Well the usual. But a bit more sinful If I must admit. Thoughts have wandered all along that they have sucked up all the dirt and pollution on the way. Crude and un-cut. Lacking the old luster of innocence, my mind has become a junkyard of sinful thoughts. I reckon this fact. I realize I’m thinking too much and too much crap. But mind doesn’t listen. It does not settle down. It meanders to new horizons seeking new meanings in life. Everything written and established; challenged. To break the shackles and free myself. The words might sound good, but believe me, my thoughts ain’t. And I’m in no mood to share it here so that I’d have to regret it sometime later. I have become a conscious blogger in this regard.But nonetheless, my thoughts need some mechanism that would pure them head to toe. It’s like I’m standing but I can’t fix a point on which I should stand. I want to get my life straight, sorted out. But I’m not helping myself here.
Still in search of that perfection that has been missing in my life for ages. Still in search of that joy. The last time i laughed from the heart; out of innocence. Want to relive those moments again. ..Wanting to start afresh.
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