The Misfit:analysis of my life

It’s been three days since I’ve reached home for Easter. Days, went by without even giving a hint. As usual, I didn’t keep track of the time. Met my friends. Had a good time. Actually,that’s all I do nowadays. Meet friends and have chats with them. Nothing else. Life at this point seems to be totally direction-less.

Nothing seemed to be motive-inspired.Every action, everything that I do; come out as a result of vague thoughts rather than detailed plans. Nothing of sorts work out these days. Time goes by as if I fail to notice it.And today, at this moment, I feel like a misfit. Like I don’t belong here at all. As a matter of fact, I feel like I don’t belong anywhere,as a matter of fact. Everything seems to be unclear.Maybe this is the exam-syndrome after all. But I’m not clear about that too. I feel like a total misfit at my home.Now,what more could be drearier.

Somewhere down the line of my thoughts, I know that what I’m doing is completely guilty. Sitting idle now is more of a guilty pleasure rather than anything at this moment.I know I’m lazy. But there’s always this good side of me that feel guilty whenever I idle myself as duty calls. It always helps in a way, bringing me back to my duties.My star-sign may be. I don’t know. 🙂

For the past couple of days not many clear thoughts are filling my mind.I feel completely out of place. Right now even more ‘cos my exams are coming up in a day or two and nevertheless to say, I’m totally unprepared as ever.As a matter of fact, I’ve finished two exams and the third one is one actually coming up. And what did I do today,you may ask. Na, I never saw the book once I left Coimbatore. I watched movies.Watched one in the theater today! Aah, some things never really change ha? But I ain’t losing hope.

The Love-Life factor hadn’t been too good on me lately, except for throwing me into deep thoughts for hours or even days. Yes days!! I actually spent three days thinking about my horribly floppy love-life sacrificing my Internals. Never a good idea, folks. Do not take tips from this post.

And now, I don’t know. Which makes me more sad; missing my exams or failing in love. The latter makes me a bit more sad ‘cos it really keeps coming back into you. Exams, yes. But somehow it doesn’t have the same impact, I’m afraid. I know what you’re thinking right now. “You’re headed straight to hell,boy”. Yea, kinda.

The worst part; that I realize all of my misdoings and still continue doing them! Sometimes, or most of the times without even knowing.  What I know is that I really have a less time on my hands to act. To clear up all the mess I’ve created for myself. To tidy myself and put things to order. As simple as it sounds, mind you; it’s almost as difficult as it does not.

My life has been a mess.I know it. From the end of my childhood to all the way through my teens. I’ve been complete wreck. Oh my, I could’ve reached heights with my academic abilities and its still nice to hear that from some, like my old teachers and my mom. Actually, only a handful of them still think I could do all that. Yes, I was a prodigy.But my abilities lost some of its luster during puberty. Distractions! 😛 😀

But I didn’t totally lose my way until 10th grade. I was actually kinda doing good(according to my newly refurbished academic standards,i.e! ).Yea, I think many would agree on the fact that a nearly 80percent marks on the 10th boards are not so bad. But then came the two fateful years of my life. 11th and 12th grades turned out to be the exact opposite of the way things was for me before. Marks and academics plummeted to never-before-seen depths and failed to see the light again.It exposed me to newer aspects of life.Aspects,which I never dreamed that I would ever be a part of. But again, I enjoyed those times! I was really having a blast and the freedom which I enjoyed then can never be expressed in words. And again, that freedom kept me away from my duties for a long time. As I graduated from High School, my life stats would’ve read,’Enjoyment and Fun:100Percent; Marks and Academics:25Percent’ I escaped failure by whiskers. Many of my grades came as blessing from my teachers who gave me ample internal marks. But still, I didn’t learn what life really was until I joined college.

I was pampered and bought up in such a way that, most of the times I had things for granted. Some things that many would struggle to get. By this I don’t mean that I’m filthy rich or something. But certain basic things(nowadays most of this would be basic) like having a PC or a cell. I kinda had such things for granted. I had to go on war with my dad to get this PC! He, being a visionary; saw my failure once such a thing was bought home. And yes. Needless to say, time proved him right. But he never scolded me. That’s the great thing about my parents. They realize that I’ve reached a point in life where scoldings and advises can never really do anything and it’s I who should decide what’s right. But the constant reminding is still there! 🙂 Feels good!

I’m not doing this to let you know how pathetic my life is. Amidst all of this, there are quite a few good things too, which I got on the way! Like friends, family. My senior year in school made me more close to my friends and they’re still the best one’s I’ve got. Those guys were with me for almost 16 years now! I really feel privileged and proud that I have such wonderful friends,however bad my situation might be. And Family. They were always there. Had them closer when I was in doubt or during the rough times. They still remain my pillars and carry me forward in each step. 🙂

Love was something that intensified over the years. After several attempts at it,now I realize the difference between true love and infatuations. There might be several fish in the pond, but there’s only fish meant to be yours. God had made things that way. But the fact is,you never get your fish always and most of the times you’d have to settle with something else. Why do I watch so many movies, have you thought. ‘Cos only in movies do we get to see the magic of love. Not in real life. You love. You hope, you pray. Nothing else. And by some divine miracle you’d be lucky if you’re loved back. You know, that’s a privilege in life. Something that has to be earned. And for a guy like me who’s been pampered all along, it really hurts to know the truth. But hope is what keeps you going every passing second. May be a day comes when things aren’t so complicated.May be a day comes,when Love was not as difficult as Rocket Science! Lots of maybe’s, I guess.

One another thing that leaves me completely out of the place is that, I’m not sure about even love! I know how to do it. I’m used to do it and I’m still doing it. But never really saw anything beyond that. I mean, I want everything to be happy and fine, but the way to get there is still pretty unclear. May be a few words would do. May be those few words would seal things completely forever. Either in my way or against me. May be. Again, lot’s of maybe’s. I think you got a picture of my mind right now.

Presently,all I have to do really is focus on the exam I’m having on 26th and prepare well for that. I could really put other things to rest but what to do friends?! My mind,just won’t stop thinking! All I had these years were thoughts. Thoughts that never lead anywhere but here. Still unclear and fazed as ever. Actions became less over the years. I’m not blaming my fate for I chose my fate through my own actions. All I’m doing now is wishing. Wishing that things would turn better in the coming years. Everything;before it’s too late to change somethings. Let’s see what the future holds for me!

Happy New Year!

Don’t be surprised to see such a post ! It’s the New Year for us Malayali’s and also for many cultures like the Tamil,Bengali etc…
So wishing you a happy a prosperous new year ahead…
(Happy Vishu to all my fellow malayali’s) …

Evolution

OK! So I’m back after having a brief stint at doing university practical exams. All of that with god’s grace,managed to get by me without leaving a scar. I hope I did good. We really can’t be sure of our results when it’s all up with the staff to decide whom to fail and pass. But like I wrote here, after a guy committed suicide, they seem to have decided to take up this issue with the internals a little bit more cautiously.

So,coming back to our life. Blogging. Wonder why the header? Well, it just happens that while I was checking for any sort of comments, I happen to see that one of my previous entries being pushed into the stat area. Somebody checking in on one of my previous posts, may be due to the search terms; but somehow that seemed to ring a bell in me. This thing, this blogging .. this really has taken some time hasn’t it? Well, as of now it seems, I started off as a high school-er in late 2008(Nov) writing about usual teen issues like weak academics,love,other peoples’ messy affairs etc etc. Well, where do we stand now?? Have I grown up as a blogger? Has my style evolved over the years( 2, in fact) ?? I do really wish that someone come across this post and give me a honest reply…

Frankly speaking, I never had to search for a topic to scribble upon. Even now, its just plain,random thoughts that are hitting the keyboard. Let it be anything. Let it be love,sex or even Facebook for instance. Just random thoughts. For ages, I have never kept a bar on things. Especially in this blogging field. This is truly one of those areas where I feel like a free bird. But yea, as they say, free as a bird but can’t shit on everyone’s shoulder’s, can yea? 😉 No, that would be real bad. Like wise, it took me some time before realizing that your words could actually drive negative attention and misinterpret someone largely out of context. Why make someone’s life messy. I believe, i have stopped or rather reduced doing that; nosing into others’ feelings. When you do decide to do something, do it responsibly without hurting others. Lesson learned.

The next thing where I become vulnerable is while talking about love. I can be a real jerk sometimes. All the desperation flowing down like an endless stream, making this place a hideout for my emotions. But that phase; I’m still searching for a guiding light to walk through it. Not really over it, I guess. 😀 Many have tried and tried, but I guess I’m the only one in this world sitting down here and typing random idiotic things that comes into my mind and hoping that someday everything will be OK. That really explains a lot about me. I am, at most of my times,a say-er than do-er. Whatever I tried to do, seemed to end up biting the dust. Still onto it pretty much, never lost the grip of it. ;)Desperation kicking in , ha? 😀

I really tried some off-road stuff meanwhile, if you remember. I did write about our Class XII tour to Coorg. A travelogue attempted and partially successful. I remember getting a few good searches on those links. Aah..good ol’ times! 😀

Then there was a time when I thought, writing was all about being raw. Crude and simply fibrous facts in life like sex. That was when my thoughts really ventured out of the orbit. But then I realized the true meaning of what my teacher once taught us in class. What she told was for the non-caring ones. By non-caring I mean, the ones that are devoid of any chains. Society calls them outcasts, I prefer the term free-birds. And yes, if my friend happen to read these lines, he’d surely think of one of our guys who’d fit the tag perfectly(who also happens to be the Teacher’s son 😉 ). Again, no personal offense intended. Just trying to say that; what I interpreted out of that was it’s good to go out of the orbit. But never too far away from your center point. That’s the real tricky part, trying to balance between both the worlds. Again, coming back to the crudity of thoughts. I got it all wrong. What I tried was a tabloid with masala mixed here and there,asking the reader to fix his eyes on the monitor screen for some ‘shocking’ piece of ‘information’ . But everybody seem to know about all that I had to say. And no body in particular seemed to share an interest in this matter. So quit.

Censorship, was something I consciously bought up into this blog. Not because I wanted to create an image but so that I didn’t want to pollute someone’s mind through my words. Let them think of this world as colorful and joyous as ever. Like the famous saying,’Childhood is the kingdom where no body dies’ ….(I don’t know why I put it here, but it somehow keeps things beautiful )

SO have I? Have I evolved as a blogger. I certainly feel that I’ve grown up. Not feeling proud though. But certainly feeling a lil’ bit grown up. Nostalgia has the better half of mine in situations like this. Time is always the one thing that captures my emotions real hard. All the months and years spent doing this. Typing random key words into the computer screen.Hoping that people sitting in the other end of the planet might just have the same sort of thing to share with you. This really reminds me of the good old diary days. When I used to write down,instead of key-ing down; the old-fashioned way! I’m a little bit proud to say that I had been writing diary since 8th grade.Not a regular one, but still I have this collection of all the diaries from 2004 onwards. Even though, I didn’t write a day-to-day update on most of them, it still feels good when you take them off the shelf and read those few written pages sometimes. Those are really pieces of my life. My life I had at that time and space. Truly fantastic that I’m getting a chance to see how my thoughts evolved over the years.

But one thing won’t change. I’ll continue to speak as long as you provide me with a stage. ; ) This is my opportunity now. : )

Keep Smiling!

Living the Dream….

WHAT could you do with a bat and a ball? Ask this question to any average American,they’d say you can play Baseball.But ask the same to anyone from the Indian Subcontinent and they’d likely say,you could play cricket.Perhaps,you could write history with the same bat and ball! And yes, they did. We did! Team India wrote history not more than a few hours ago. Achieving the pinnacle in Cricketing glory. Their names etched in history forever.The hopes and prayers of a billion takes birth at last! We Won!!

Like any average Indian,I grew up watching and enjoying Cricket as our favorite past-time. I idolized men like Sachin Tendulkar, who is none less than a god for most of us here in India. Whatever heights the game had,he stood there and managed to create a few more to himself. People like him are rarely born. They are born for a purpose. Not for bloodshed,not for money. They are there to bring joy and hope to the common mass. Yes,he was born to play this game of bat and ball. After 21 long years of International Cricket, cricket finally comes to reckon his achievements in the form of that ICC World Cup Trophy. A befitting gesture by the game for a true master and ambassador of the game.

A few hours ago history was written and our players had brought us the final ecstasy of reclaiming that cup after 28 years. I really feel lucky to have lived in these times to witness such moments which come rarely in life. These are truly one of those rare moments in life, when you can truly feel the sense of nationalism in every single person you come across on the road. Frankly, I never ever dreamed that I would live to see my nation lifting a major sporting trophy until they did it in 2007. And for a nation which truly loved the game deep in heart,this comes as a well deserved honor from the gods above!

True, we might not be such a force in other sporting events.But it really was a shame that we couldn’t excel in one thing that we loved so much. And finally we did it.Salute to Dhoni and Co. for the effort they’ve taken, the hard work they’ve done and now at what they’ve achieved. Now, we are talking about 11 human beings who had managed to bring joy and pride to a one-billion plus population. Why wage wars,gentlemen??

The game they played today(yesterday,infact;now its Sunday) was really a test to the maximum of their skills. Sri Lanka was in no means a team any body could beat on a given day. India really had to sweat it out and keep their nerve throughout the game to emerge out of it victorious. And they did, on the wings of its Captain,MS Dhoni. As they say,when the going gets tough,the tough gets going! Not being a kind-hearted winner, but truly giving credit to Lankans for the way they’ve played their game today. We were just better on the day.

I would certainly remember this day in my entire life. We certainly do hope that this is not the end of things but the sign of good things to come. This day, I watched the final along with my friend Deepak and Rahul at Deepak’s home along with his dad. Since I had a fair share of superstitions, I stepped out of the living room, choosing not to watch,cos’ I believed,whenever I watched, India lost somehow. Didn’t even take the slightest of chances and chose not to watch until it was safe and clear. But I was there when Dhoni hit the last ball for a six to take us home. I was there when history was being made.

Yes,History was being made; right in front of my eyes. Thank you god, for having given me this opportunity to be present, alive at this particular moment of time and instance to have witnessed the joy and celebration of an entire nation come alive! Thank you god, for having given me the opportunity to live in the times of greats like Sachin Tendulkar. Thank you god, for this win!

Kudos!!! Enjoy!! 🙂

A few hours ago history was written