Unclear Times: the worst phase of my life

As the title indicates, I’m passing through the worst phase of my life; ever. Nothing seems to work in my favor these days. Those little things I’ve cherished over the years; well, it turns out, I’ve tried to hold sand in my hand. The more I try to bring things closer, the more vigorously they lose from my grips. I’m feeling lost in this world. 

For the first time in my life, I feel exposed. Nothing I’ve learned has helped me thus. Friendship was my sole solace in such troubled times but it seems I’ve been depending on the wrong paddle to row ahead in these turbulent times. The very friendships I’ve cherished like the gem in my life has turned against me. Testing me, questioning my basic beliefs about people and life. I just don’t know if I’ll ever come out of this phase with life left in me. Even if I make it alive, I’d never be the same person again; and that’s as good as being dead to me. 

For those who think that this has the look and feel of a suicide note, let me make it clear first. I’m not a fucked up coward to pull the plug and escape. Nope, I’m not that kinda guy. But neither can I guarantee I’ll be the same person again. I fear either I’ll have to change my ways or the times would change my ways when all of this is over. Again, that to me; is as good as being dead. Everything I am, whatever personality suite I’ve been wearing, will have to be altered beyond recognition. 

I don’t want to look back one day and feel that I could have done differently when I had the choices. I know for a fact that choices from here on aren’t gonna be the usual walk in the park. I could have the repercussions of such a choice throughout my life. Whatever follows, I just want it to be good. But you never get what you want, I know. Still, you could hope for good. What else can one do ?

OH god, I am truly desperate. If it was boredom that had the better of me last time around I posted a blog; well, the universe has given me a whole array of choices to choose from. Even though I’m not prepared for this, I just hope I do good. The elders would often say, the choices in life are not easy, son. You’ve gotta watch out for what you choose to keep and what you decide to let go. Well,i get what they meant right now. And to think, its only the beginning. Once again, I end on an optimistic note hoping that things that I love will remain close to my heart always. God bless us all..  

Testing Times..Changing Times…

Another year comes to an end. Somehow, I feel this year has come to an end too soon. Don’t know why, but may be time flies when we’re in the thick of things. Last year this time, I was a final year student of Comp. Science Engineering with a lot of the usual problems. A lot has changed in the past one year, and a lot has changed yet remained the same at core. I miss my college life these days. I’ve been on the nostalgic path since last year. Being the final year in our course, we tried to make it memorable in every way. And I’m glad that I’ve got a lot of memories to cherish a lifetime.

I miss my friends,my best friends. I miss my old life. Tension-free,Freedom,Do-whatever-you-want kinda lifestyle. Everything has become a thing of the past. Life has moved on. My best friends have found jobs and have moved on with their respective lives. They have become busy with their daily life. I haven’t changed a bit in the past year. I’m still writing my exams, carrying the baggage of arrears that I’ve earned in my 4 years of college life. My exams are almost over, I’ve just got about 3 more to go; finishing up this Jan 6. Responsibilities have piled on. The last time I messed up my academics, I found a safety net in my college. This time around, I’m left with no option but to clear my papers and settle down with a job.

Life as I know has changed, a lot.

Most people talk about turning points in life. I guess, this is the most important turning point (yet) in my life. There were guardians to show me my path all these years. Now I guess,it’s time for the little birdie to leave the nest and search for its own horizons.

Deep down I’m afraid. I’m scared to see my life being spent like the millions of working-class today. I’m scared of losing my friends in the thick of things. Life is going to keep us busy. I can foresee that. I’m scared to lose contact with my best friend,whom I’ve called almost everyday in the past 4 years,but may be not so regularly in the past 3 months. I’m scared to see my best friend getting married and moving away with her own life. I’m scared..

Nothing hurts more than love itself. Almost anyone who has come across this blog once, would know about my infatuation/crush I had on this girl for about 6 years or so. Back then, I wept for nothing. I cried because some girl didn’t love me. But now, I’m finding it hard to cry even after realizing that my best friend for four years is going to be busy with her life and I just can’t do anything about it but to hope that I’ll always be a part of her life.

Life is at its most testing phase when you are left with hope but no choices. Even tears are hard to come by for your comfort. I just wish I could break down and let it go.

But I guess, nothing is easy. Even the slightest of things. As always, I can only hope for the better.

I just hope that even though things change, the feelings remain the same. Emotions keep us together. Our relations remain the same even in these testing times. Though not bonded by blood, I hope that we’re all tied at our hearts by the bonds of friendship. I pray, that all those people I love remain with me throughout me the coming year and the years to follow. We may be miles away, but our deep down let nothing change. We had our best times; let the times to come be even better. I just hope …

A ray of hope………

One month. What could be the evident changes in my life in that past one month. 

The obvious thing is that , i’m no longer that same old school goer. Things have changed. Now I go to college! 

Yeeyy .. hooo… that sounds so exciting…! Well enough of that cliched shit! College life , the past one month, have made me realize a lot of things. 

Things are never gonna be what you expect in life. That’s the first and foremost thing I’ve learnt in college. 

The image , the colourful image I had of college life, vanished within days I reached my college and hostel. Slowly, came all the work load of a technical course. My advise to all my fellow juniors… never have such colourful dreams about college , especially when you’ve taken up a technical course like Engineering. Because, I personally had such glorious dreams of college life only to be hit hard by the frozen reality. 

The work load, the classes , the testing times with teachers, hostel issues, everything picked on me for the major half of the past month. But still as I’ve written above, the ray of hope. 

Somewhere down the line, god literally gives you this inspiration to enjoy college life. 

Nothing is born dull. What matters is how you make it up; how you add colour to it. I realized this fact, when I came home this weekend. Actually, I’d be leaving tomorrow,but I realized one major difference between all those past weekends when I came here and this particular weekend. 

The reason might sound utterly ridiculous and mind you , dont have any intuitions regarding my inspiration. It’s pretty much obvious and pretty much teenage. 

So I think you guys have got an image of things; of where I’m heading. 

Well, you guys guessed right, I found new companies among girls in my class. 😉

I might be the world’s stupidst blogger daring enough to write this here, admit this here. But this particular thing , was really a ray of hope for me. ‘Coz when I came home this weekend, I was tired mentally and physically thanks to my college. 

I was starting to doubt whether those beautiful images of college life you see in movies were real or not. But as they say, god never gives you work without giving you the distraction. But in my case, the distraction was rather soothing! 😀 

Really, this particular distraction, or rather as I’d like to call it, is really a boon in my almost dry college life. 

The possibilities I have with me are endless. Well I think I’m really blabbing right now. 

But time has proven to change my view on my college. Each and every time, when I think, this is enough; god gives me something or the other to keep me going. 

This is life ain’t it.. … You just have to keep going. And try, try to find those greener pastures in this dry , testing times…. 

 

P.S: I don’t think I’d rather want to write about the finer things that happened during the past one month. As you can imagine, I got ragged, lost 150Rs. Had fights with teachers.Dialogues exchanged, almost managed to get a suspension. 

So you pretty much imagine the relief I’m having right now. 😉

 

Ray of hope,Hoping...