As the title indicates, I’m passing through the worst phase of my life; ever. Nothing seems to work in my favor these days. Those little things I’ve cherished over the years; well, it turns out, I’ve tried to hold sand in my hand. The more I try to bring things closer, the more vigorously they lose from my grips. I’m feeling lost in this world.
For the first time in my life, I feel exposed. Nothing I’ve learned has helped me thus. Friendship was my sole solace in such troubled times but it seems I’ve been depending on the wrong paddle to row ahead in these turbulent times. The very friendships I’ve cherished like the gem in my life has turned against me. Testing me, questioning my basic beliefs about people and life. I just don’t know if I’ll ever come out of this phase with life left in me. Even if I make it alive, I’d never be the same person again; and that’s as good as being dead to me.
For those who think that this has the look and feel of a suicide note, let me make it clear first. I’m not a fucked up coward to pull the plug and escape. Nope, I’m not that kinda guy. But neither can I guarantee I’ll be the same person again. I fear either I’ll have to change my ways or the times would change my ways when all of this is over. Again, that to me; is as good as being dead. Everything I am, whatever personality suite I’ve been wearing, will have to be altered beyond recognition.
I don’t want to look back one day and feel that I could have done differently when I had the choices. I know for a fact that choices from here on aren’t gonna be the usual walk in the park. I could have the repercussions of such a choice throughout my life. Whatever follows, I just want it to be good. But you never get what you want, I know. Still, you could hope for good. What else can one do ?
OH god, I am truly desperate. If it was boredom that had the better of me last time around I posted a blog; well, the universe has given me a whole array of choices to choose from. Even though I’m not prepared for this, I just hope I do good. The elders would often say, the choices in life are not easy, son. You’ve gotta watch out for what you choose to keep and what you decide to let go. Well,i get what they meant right now. And to think, its only the beginning. Once again, I end on an optimistic note hoping that things that I love will remain close to my heart always. God bless us all..
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