Unclear Times: the worst phase of my life

As the title indicates, I’m passing through the worst phase of my life; ever. Nothing seems to work in my favor these days. Those little things I’ve cherished over the years; well, it turns out, I’ve tried to hold sand in my hand. The more I try to bring things closer, the more vigorously they lose from my grips. I’m feeling lost in this world. 

For the first time in my life, I feel exposed. Nothing I’ve learned has helped me thus. Friendship was my sole solace in such troubled times but it seems I’ve been depending on the wrong paddle to row ahead in these turbulent times. The very friendships I’ve cherished like the gem in my life has turned against me. Testing me, questioning my basic beliefs about people and life. I just don’t know if I’ll ever come out of this phase with life left in me. Even if I make it alive, I’d never be the same person again; and that’s as good as being dead to me. 

For those who think that this has the look and feel of a suicide note, let me make it clear first. I’m not a fucked up coward to pull the plug and escape. Nope, I’m not that kinda guy. But neither can I guarantee I’ll be the same person again. I fear either I’ll have to change my ways or the times would change my ways when all of this is over. Again, that to me; is as good as being dead. Everything I am, whatever personality suite I’ve been wearing, will have to be altered beyond recognition. 

I don’t want to look back one day and feel that I could have done differently when I had the choices. I know for a fact that choices from here on aren’t gonna be the usual walk in the park. I could have the repercussions of such a choice throughout my life. Whatever follows, I just want it to be good. But you never get what you want, I know. Still, you could hope for good. What else can one do ?

OH god, I am truly desperate. If it was boredom that had the better of me last time around I posted a blog; well, the universe has given me a whole array of choices to choose from. Even though I’m not prepared for this, I just hope I do good. The elders would often say, the choices in life are not easy, son. You’ve gotta watch out for what you choose to keep and what you decide to let go. Well,i get what they meant right now. And to think, its only the beginning. Once again, I end on an optimistic note hoping that things that I love will remain close to my heart always. God bless us all..  

College days: Journey begins

HOME never felt this much greener and warmer when I reached here for the first time after my college.

Well things change , but in a matter of four days, i miss that same warmth I felt the last time I came home from College.  That was a week and half ago, when I realized that my home was a green and warm place. But now, when I do have time, time I would have just waited for when I was in my college hostel, I just don’t know what to do with it.

The same problem occured to me when I was given a once in a lifetime opportunity to enjoy with nearly six months of vacation. Well, I ended up wasting it in front of my computer and T.V and now I’m starting to regret it!

As they say, No regrets! 

Well enough of my inability for time-management. It rather presents a dismal picutre of  some of my precious time wasted, which I’m in no mood to write down here. 

I successfully completed two weeks of college life! That’s really a big occassion for me! aint’ it?!

Things which seemed important and which used to  strongly bonded to myself seem of less importance or rather no importance nowadays. As my good friend suggests I might be changing my views about things in life in a second or so, but as I’d explain to him, I think I’m realizing what went wrong or rather realizing that I was being silly all the time. 

The doings of the past always seem silly to you when you compare it with the things of your present. But cherishing those little things, makes your life worth living.

As I said above, i successfully completed my two weeks in college and in hostel, away from home. I don’t know why, but when I’m there, I really miss my home, and when I’m at home sitting idle for more than two days, I really miss college! 

The initial worries of ragging turned out to be just folly,for ragging was just meagre in my case. But I’d really like myself not to be too cozy with the present situation and expect worse from our seniors. I wouldn’t really want to take things without a preparation. 

Classes were Ok as far as I was concered. Made a lot of good friends within such a short span of time. The good thing about my college I felt was that , everybody who joined there would be having a story of their own to tell,regarding their school life and everything. 

Thanks to my school life, judging people has become an easier business these days. You just need to see a glimpse of things to examine deep beyond the periphery of things and people.

Love life has been truly a success in my case! Well those of you who might think, “this guy finally got his girl” , sorry to disappoint you or rather sorry for troubling you even for a second[in some cases]. 

After seeing one of my friends love life turn out to be the sort from the fairy tales, i realized that people like me never deserved to love. Most of us are running behind false and folly infactuations dedicating our precious time for such nonsense and calling it serious love[ i personally know more than one examples in this regard, apart from my own experience]. 

As much as I’d like to share my friends love story here, I don’t want to see myself answering to him and explaining why I’d possibly ruin his love life due to my stupid words written here. So alvida to that plan of writing others’ things here.

Now I know that the level seriousness an 18 year old can achieve in his love is only the skin of things. You’re really missing the skeletal part. The initial enthusiasm finally gives way to desperation and frustration. 

Why take such a risk? I mean, taking risks might be courageous, but you’re playing with your future here, damn it! 

I only realized that in most cases , only infactuations are possible in this age, and I’m gonna go with it!! 😉

Coming back to college, slowly and steadily the jaguar is approaching its preys and hopefully some time later it’ll be catching a hold to one or the other. 

School live has been eventful, hopefully college turns out good in the end. 

And in the midst of all this, I hope I won’t forget to live my life . . … .. . … .