It’s been three days since I’ve reached home for Easter. Days, went by without even giving a hint. As usual, I didn’t keep track of the time. Met my friends. Had a good time. Actually,that’s all I do nowadays. Meet friends and have chats with them. Nothing else. Life at this point seems to be totally direction-less.
Nothing seemed to be motive-inspired.Every action, everything that I do; come out as a result of vague thoughts rather than detailed plans. Nothing of sorts work out these days. Time goes by as if I fail to notice it.And today, at this moment, I feel like a misfit. Like I don’t belong here at all. As a matter of fact, I feel like I don’t belong anywhere,as a matter of fact. Everything seems to be unclear.Maybe this is the exam-syndrome after all. But I’m not clear about that too. I feel like a total misfit at my home.Now,what more could be drearier.
Somewhere down the line of my thoughts, I know that what I’m doing is completely guilty. Sitting idle now is more of a guilty pleasure rather than anything at this moment.I know I’m lazy. But there’s always this good side of me that feel guilty whenever I idle myself as duty calls. It always helps in a way, bringing me back to my duties.My star-sign may be. I don’t know. 🙂
For the past couple of days not many clear thoughts are filling my mind.I feel completely out of place. Right now even more ‘cos my exams are coming up in a day or two and nevertheless to say, I’m totally unprepared as ever.As a matter of fact, I’ve finished two exams and the third one is one actually coming up. And what did I do today,you may ask. Na, I never saw the book once I left Coimbatore. I watched movies.Watched one in the theater today! Aah, some things never really change ha? But I ain’t losing hope.
The Love-Life factor hadn’t been too good on me lately, except for throwing me into deep thoughts for hours or even days. Yes days!! I actually spent three days thinking about my horribly floppy love-life sacrificing my Internals. Never a good idea, folks. Do not take tips from this post.
And now, I don’t know. Which makes me more sad; missing my exams or failing in love. The latter makes me a bit more sad ‘cos it really keeps coming back into you. Exams, yes. But somehow it doesn’t have the same impact, I’m afraid. I know what you’re thinking right now. “You’re headed straight to hell,boy”. Yea, kinda.
The worst part; that I realize all of my misdoings and still continue doing them! Sometimes, or most of the times without even knowing. What I know is that I really have a less time on my hands to act. To clear up all the mess I’ve created for myself. To tidy myself and put things to order. As simple as it sounds, mind you; it’s almost as difficult as it does not.
My life has been a mess.I know it. From the end of my childhood to all the way through my teens. I’ve been complete wreck. Oh my, I could’ve reached heights with my academic abilities and its still nice to hear that from some, like my old teachers and my mom. Actually, only a handful of them still think I could do all that. Yes, I was a prodigy.But my abilities lost some of its luster during puberty. Distractions! 😛 😀
But I didn’t totally lose my way until 10th grade. I was actually kinda doing good(according to my newly refurbished academic standards,i.e! ).Yea, I think many would agree on the fact that a nearly 80percent marks on the 10th boards are not so bad. But then came the two fateful years of my life. 11th and 12th grades turned out to be the exact opposite of the way things was for me before. Marks and academics plummeted to never-before-seen depths and failed to see the light again.It exposed me to newer aspects of life.Aspects,which I never dreamed that I would ever be a part of. But again, I enjoyed those times! I was really having a blast and the freedom which I enjoyed then can never be expressed in words. And again, that freedom kept me away from my duties for a long time. As I graduated from High School, my life stats would’ve read,’Enjoyment and Fun:100Percent; Marks and Academics:25Percent’ I escaped failure by whiskers. Many of my grades came as blessing from my teachers who gave me ample internal marks. But still, I didn’t learn what life really was until I joined college.
I was pampered and bought up in such a way that, most of the times I had things for granted. Some things that many would struggle to get. By this I don’t mean that I’m filthy rich or something. But certain basic things(nowadays most of this would be basic) like having a PC or a cell. I kinda had such things for granted. I had to go on war with my dad to get this PC! He, being a visionary; saw my failure once such a thing was bought home. And yes. Needless to say, time proved him right. But he never scolded me. That’s the great thing about my parents. They realize that I’ve reached a point in life where scoldings and advises can never really do anything and it’s I who should decide what’s right. But the constant reminding is still there! 🙂 Feels good!
I’m not doing this to let you know how pathetic my life is. Amidst all of this, there are quite a few good things too, which I got on the way! Like friends, family. My senior year in school made me more close to my friends and they’re still the best one’s I’ve got. Those guys were with me for almost 16 years now! I really feel privileged and proud that I have such wonderful friends,however bad my situation might be. And Family. They were always there. Had them closer when I was in doubt or during the rough times. They still remain my pillars and carry me forward in each step. 🙂
Love was something that intensified over the years. After several attempts at it,now I realize the difference between true love and infatuations. There might be several fish in the pond, but there’s only fish meant to be yours. God had made things that way. But the fact is,you never get your fish always and most of the times you’d have to settle with something else. Why do I watch so many movies, have you thought. ‘Cos only in movies do we get to see the magic of love. Not in real life. You love. You hope, you pray. Nothing else. And by some divine miracle you’d be lucky if you’re loved back. You know, that’s a privilege in life. Something that has to be earned. And for a guy like me who’s been pampered all along, it really hurts to know the truth. But hope is what keeps you going every passing second. May be a day comes when things aren’t so complicated.May be a day comes,when Love was not as difficult as Rocket Science! Lots of maybe’s, I guess.
One another thing that leaves me completely out of the place is that, I’m not sure about even love! I know how to do it. I’m used to do it and I’m still doing it. But never really saw anything beyond that. I mean, I want everything to be happy and fine, but the way to get there is still pretty unclear. May be a few words would do. May be those few words would seal things completely forever. Either in my way or against me. May be. Again, lot’s of maybe’s. I think you got a picture of my mind right now.
Presently,all I have to do really is focus on the exam I’m having on 26th and prepare well for that. I could really put other things to rest but what to do friends?! My mind,just won’t stop thinking! All I had these years were thoughts. Thoughts that never lead anywhere but here. Still unclear and fazed as ever. Actions became less over the years. I’m not blaming my fate for I chose my fate through my own actions. All I’m doing now is wishing. Wishing that things would turn better in the coming years. Everything;before it’s too late to change somethings. Let’s see what the future holds for me!
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